"Shadow"

”Shadow"


I can feel it running out-side.

I run out!

The trees remain still, yet leaves whirling all around.

---In a warm breeze.

The road,
“Red”
Course---but fine as 100 little rocks under my new skin with each step.

Up-
The Hill was the direction I was going.
(No reason why)
But not quite a feeling...
Now,
No leaves around-
Nor, on the ground.
The wind still churning---Half way up the road.
Still, No feeling I can describe,
Just cold sweat running through me.
I pause, but only for a moment.

A shape like a shadow---and I trust it.
A dog---But, not what I would expect.

Altered,
Trotting horizontally across the road (similar to an alligator it reminded me) with an elongated beak.
Never looking at me. I can see it today, as bright as it happened. It too paused half way across the road. As I took a step, not one I thought through, but one towards this “Shadow”.

An egg shaped rock rolled under my more mature foot. I picked up the egg shaped rock with intent to try to scare it off. It struck it's head. Then, the shadow moved all of the way across the road.

Unreal,
It looked toward me...For how could I not see...This must be a dream!
It's head now facing towards me, now...seemed normal. No depth to the length of its elongated snout.

(“Nicodemus” it resembled, my older Sisters dog who had hung himself attached to the dog-run and jumped the fence two weeks ago. A black lab he was.)

It's mouth opened as I could see one-hundred sharp teeth staring straight at me---Followed by a roar, only so intense It wasn't a sound. Only something I could feel through me, including the leaves. The sound so violent, rattled the reaming leaves off the their limbs.

Frozen and vibrated-
Defeated.
I feel liberated-Heroic?---

Defending my home against such a beast.
But did not think....
That there was more to this,

Tamed?

---At the least.

(I could NOT have known)

//SpasZ SonnE TM

No One

No one
Lights in the dark to light my path
Dark to the door, there is no math
No one
Something is rushing to get me,
No light left from someone, to let me see
No one
To the door---unwelcoming
Not a light, without holding it for me
No one
Sleep for shelter which I provide
I can't get away, or even hide
No one
Then I scream
They scramble, and try and save me
"No one"

//SpasZ SonnE TM

Emulation

This feeling,
A natural rush
A haunting memory, silenced...
You were supposed to die.
To end the ringing inside
My last hope and wish,
To kill this feeling.
-To see you in my dreams...
To-make-them-mine.
The darkness-
---To keep you safe,
To only see light.
Change my memories;
Deep---Keep them closer to me.
Never look for my sins
For none are morals,
Nor bad,
Not even sadness.
My memory full of holes,
A life,
A delusion,
A poison... 
Only to-
Emulate a feeling-
I could never feel,
...But this emulation is real.

//SpasZ SonnE TM

The Cold & Silence

Sadness overtakes me
Wishing tomorrow,
Will let me see.
Happiness is all I dream of,
Wondering if there is such a thing;
as love...
Cast away the shadows,
That hold in the light---
If tomorrow, I can see,
Shall it be too bright?
All alone...
Is all I can feel!
---There's not a single emotion in me, that's real.
The sickness in my veins,
Caused from the Cold and Silence 
of this place...
Can't pay the bill,
To fix my body,
That's supposed to feel.
As I think of everyone,
Are my wishes and dreams done?
Does anyone think of me?
---When i'm away, "never", is all I can see.
Can happiness actually strike me?
Right now, all of this, is all I will ever be. 

//SpasZ SonnE TM

-[My Mind]-

---This never-ending mind---
This slow decay of time---
Happiness, one day
I shall find. 
[End]

//SpasZ SonnE TM

-][-Mein Alles-Nein-][-

"Never---
I know you love me...
I know I love you...
---You fucked up the chance I gave you;
...And I forgive you...
I still love you...
-Never?
I don't understand...

//SpasZ SonnE TM

-][-Transparent-][-

"Close your eyes...
Now, can't you feel?
They're open---
It reaches out for all---
Now...
Open your eyes...
"Cant you see"?
They are all transparent;
---They all fear me."

//SpasZ SonnE TM

-][-Negative-][-

Silent footsteps
This fog from behind...
As natural---as quietly,
She once told me;
So softly...
"Empty"---
As they left us...
Alone, to learn what we doubt...
[The wind]
Just the thought...
Shiver her name---as if she wanted me to know
[Loud]
The thunder has become...
Eternity has waited,
Yet evolved...
So beloved we once were
---But never is forever here
[The clock]
-Man-made---for every invention
...Is a realistic-delusion
Causing... the beautiful to become old...
For nature... to become mechanical...
---Such negativity we all have spread...
To believe there's an end,
And a hope...
To be dead..

//SpasZ SonnE TM

"Imperfect/Perfection"

I.
Walking through my never ending-mind
Dreaming of what we cannot accomplish
To the "Norm", accomplishments are the best of their abilities---their limits
To Us, we have no limits
We can only expand our ability to become a more perfect individual

No satisfaction, No end...

II.
Tasting my thoughts of tomorrows bitterness, and awareness.
Acquire  new abilities-
To fill the hunger of yesterdays failures
What am I today?

//SpasZ SonnE TM

"The Format"

There I sat on the cold tiled floor.
Her voice went faint in my head...
As if once---sometime I truly cared.
---Telling me to be happy, as I watched her mind format in front of me. 
For how could I be happy?
To witness the temporary or permanent death of my loves mind. . .
As her premature body remained, alive.

//SpasZ SonnE TM

-][-Restoration of "Black and White"-][-

Black and white.
A boy--Me.
Carefully walking through useless items, up to my knees---
Crying of a young girl,-
Asking for help---
As if i'm breathing upon her faraway face---
Smell now of old books and sheet rock grows exceptionally strong...
In the next room---a familiar face lying in struggle, gently tied to the bed. 
[unharmed]
(walking to her eternity, as my own)
Steps of my own now taken through more meaningful items---now down to my feet. 
[Fearless of care for items such as these]
---Reaching for the harness of her right wrist (not being able to perform heroism to her-as I so desired).
The helmet of a medieval black knight falls over us---Including some of the meaningful items.
With a "crunching" sound...
And no longer Black and White-
--But Black...
 ...and the insecurity of a calm woman's voice, says-so softly...

YOU are trapped.

//SpasZ SonnE TM

//Never is forever here. . .

Have you ever been fed up, explaining yourself to others? So different, you are constantly asked---"What's wrong with you"?!

I am!---and it's not about anger towards anyone-ones self. I have written for a lot of my life because people seem to NEVER be interested in getting to know someone like me. Yes, I see things differently---Yes, I stand and walk differently---Yes, my facial expressions don't match what I'm feeling---Yes, I don't communicate well on the spot.

But where I seem to thrive is, everyone wants my input, my experience, my thoughts only when things become chaotic.

That in itself to me is sad!! Why do people run from me when I try to form relationships with them?---yet always ask, "what I would do if I were in their shoes".

I'm done forming relationships.

If people want to know what i'm thinking I will just start posting it here and have them read my thoughts on life.

Does anyone out there know what it's like to not be known, yet find only a way to exploit you---only for your knowledge and experience?

Yet just dismiss you from the knowledge they get from you?

Well here, I will post the way I see the world as art!  They can either grow from it---or wish they got to know me better.

Here are my stories. . .